Morning After

The moon is cold and makes

its descent behind dull clouds,

fading at the sight of morning’s bright eye.

You burble in half-sleep.

Your opening words break over the air,

staccato crackling like some demented wireless,

Eyes dulled by the harsh blade

of morning, lips smacking.

Your vowels rise clean as souls.

The death’s head awakens itself within me

once again; bleats, bellows, stumbles

onward, cow-like and graceless.

The eye-shell counts everything seen
in the frosted apathy of a stone god.
Things may pass into being -or from it-

and still the shell face remains sand-dry,
and in the mind a fog thick as tar.
The house lies in silence.

In the air is the disquiet of our

bellowed words, bloody with

your frustration, shaken by my apathy

and all over, even in the dust,

there is death. Calling out

its lone song in the silence of our room,

a strange Love-song;

Prayer;

an Epitaph.

©Lorcan Black. August 7/8 2007.

I'm horrified. I found out, during random browsing around online that there are actually "how to" websites giving detailed information on how to effectively commit suicide and not fail. Good god.

How can the authors of sites like these actually sleep at night knowing their websites are ending people's lives? This totally shocks me. I know I've been suicidal, okay fine but in my sane state of mind, I find this dispicable as I'm sure I would were I unbalanced. It's just morally wrong to give people information that actually encourages them to commit suicide.

After all, it's not exactly a lifestyle choice is it? That's actually it, that kicks the bucket. I can safely say now nothing surprises me.

I've discovered that if you put my name (correction, my nickname) Lorcs into google image search a photo of me appears. So odd. Also for Lorcan Black, back when i had shorter hair.

How odd...

I wish I could leave my job. My god it's so dull. Please someone abduct me for the duration of my shift so or else I think I'll wrap a paper bag over a customer's face and hold it there!

I have editing to do. I have no time for work. Can't they tell I'm a not-so-starving artist? (Oi vey!) I should be a bum harrassing people for change... oh wait no, that's worse.... smothering customers with paper bags it is then...

I'm not kidding when I say a man actually walked in one day and (of course there's wine everywhere it being a wine store and all) he asks "Do you sell... white wine?"

I had a moment. Actually I had two. The first moment comprised of shock in this person's ingnorance (considering a whole display of white wine was set up right in front of him, literally) and the second moment comprised of trying not to say "No. No we only sell red wine." WE'RE A WINE SHOP! Of COURSE we sell white wine. Heck we'd sell purple wine if i existed.

Mother of.... the weird things people ask for. Even milk (I know, wine store = milk? I don't see the connection either). I still think that white wine guy kicks the bucket though... well, off to the saltmines!

I checked the mail today and got one bill and one SAE I'd sent off with a letter to prospective agents (about my novel). I figured "Shit, it's a rejection letter." I left it on the dinning table and left to meet my friend Nick for coffee. We chatted, walked around a while and eventually I got home and realised I hadn't bothered to open my mail so reluctantly I did.

It was a one page letter, they didn't even bother sending back my synopsis with it, so I thought "Shit. That sucks."

However, the second line caught me off guard. They want to see the first three chapters, and if that goes well, they look forward to reading the complete manuscript! :)

I'm just terrified I could be so close to my dream that I hope it doesn't get dashed. I want this more than anything in the world. I'd be heartbroken if they didn't take me on, but at least it would be one step forward I suppose...

Okay. Discussion time. Leave your comments as always.

We all know I've had my skirmishes with drugs. You could pretty much say I ordered a la carte and had a bite of most of what was on the menu (coke, E, acid, marijuana and magic mushrooms).

I don't do that shit anymore, but when does the line between using and abusing blur? When does a user, become an addict? It is suffice to say that anyone who uses drugs at all is an addict? Basically the media portrays users (of any kind) as people who will sell their grandma's to gather cash the next fix.

Having been in a bad place on drugs years ago, I can still say I got out of it. I knew one guy who sold his car for drugs, I know another that died from prescription drugs overdose (unintentional). I know what I'm talking about on this territory. I abused drugs, and I almost paid for it. I learned my lesson.

I know plenty of people who smoke weed and aren't dependent or could be even remotely classified as addicts. I don't think someone who smokes a joint now and then is an addict, or a dope fiend unless they're dependent on it. If there's dependence, then that can lead to addiction. That's the line. Yet the media portrays anyone who touches even marijuana into being a dope addict. I'm not arguing with this, you could say it should do so (so kids don't get the wrong idea).

But shouldn't everyone at least be fair to those who control themselves and not label them addicts unduly? Or are we being too socially acceptable? When do we draw the line, between addicts and people who are just having a good time?...

Your thoughts please. Illuminate me!

My mom's going through a cancer scare, I'm trying to find a publisher or agent and going crazy, my friend lost her baby and other friend is under the editor's knife AND IT WON'T STOP RAINING! It's been 36 consecutive days of rain now. Sun: shine, please!

I'm still looking for a permanent full time job that might stimulate me. *Sigh*. I'd rather get an agent or publisher first however. Currently writing something which might be material for a novel (or bits of it anyway). Who knows. Do you know? I sure don't know.

Why is it that I can concentrate on video games, books and movies, but when it comes down to writing I can't quite seem to get to grips with it. I've had a few ideas for a new novel but I can't quite seem to think up anything very concrete. I love the idea of following two people, male and female, and some kind of twist but I have no idea how... I've thought of one stalking the other, one written in the third person, and the other written in the first person, but meh, I don't know. I even thought of following two characters and then merging them together at the end as two personalities in one body but even that seems unappealing.

I know my friend Marky thinks its a good idea but it just lacks luster with me. I know me avoiding writing it is just my way of not doing it because I'm not ready or whatever, but I'm actually killing to start writing something again. Poetry doesn't seem to flow and I can't get into prose either. Hmmm... who knows...

The time has come: Roz's leaving party is on tonight in Harrigan's. I'm so sad I have hardly any words to write this. I don't know what I'll do, who I'll go to with problems. I guess skype conversations and emails are a good subsitute, but nothing like the real thing.... God, Darwin is like literally a thousand miles or more from here (I guess?). I know she will use this time to its best effect and I think the distance will do her good. I'll just miss her so much, I'll probably actually grieve.

Tonight I'm going to take as many pictures as my camera will allow, and the scummy thing is I'm leaving early. So I really want to get to talk to her a good bit without crying (which I'll probably do later when no-one's watching).

I have to remind myself I'm not losing her, just her physical presence. Who knows? Maybe after a while she may come back. Right now I think she has to run, has to sort her head and her life out and after that who knows? Darwin may just be the best place to start fresh, or she may feel she needs to come home. Whatever, I support and salute her. I think she's brave, braver than me by far.  She's gotten me through so much bullshit, we're open ears for each other, and that's something everyone needs.

I couldn't be more grateful, or sad... :P